In many tasks, we sometimes set unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
I should get the laundry done now.
I should call up this loved one; they sent over this thing a couple of months ago, and I’ve been swamped.
I should schedule that appointment; it won’t get done otherwise.
I should be grateful for this stage and not complain.
I should be prepared for this; I signed up for it.
I should know better.
I should be back to normal.
The past few months have been a revolving door of rather loud “shoulds.” Things I know that no one in their right mind would blame me for not keeping up with right now, yet I feel like I need to get them done. Because the “me” pre-November would have taken care of. The past me: a me that no longer exists, even though I wish it could.
Life never fully prepares you for its biggest moments. Death, life, joy, grief. And even though I’m navigating one of the most remarkable transitions life could give me, I find myself besieged by an amass of “shoulds.” And I feel myself cracking under the pressure, even though I knew it would be there.
Caregiving is a radical act of resistance. It’s self-sacrifice for the sake of ensuring the well-being of someone other than you, with no direct benefit. I’ve known this space intimately for years, and I herald the role with great respect for others who hold it. Yet as I take on the additional role of parent, I find myself encumbered with expectations that should never have been mine alone.
People need community because we’re infinitely better when we care for one another instead of hoarding resources, be it money or time, or energy. The meals we make with loads of leftovers would be perfect for those struggling to find their next meal. That pair of shoes that’s too big may just fit your neighbor perfectly. Maybe that thirty minutes you spend holding the baby of that exhausted parent gives them enough time to bathe for the first time in weeks after caring endlessly for their children. Community, in its ideal form, allows for all of our needs to be met while we remain safe and loved, something we are all inherently worthy of.
As I write this piece, I sit, awaiting the sounds of a sweet young baby with all the needs one could imagine, devoid of any intent beyond having those needs met. And I’m exhausted, yet enamored with the privilege to do that care work. That alone is all I should be doing. As we imagine another world, what are the things that we need, the policies enacted, social safety nets, and more, that are needed to ensure that care work is properly valued? Who gets to decide the value? These are questions that remain nebulous yet deserve our thought. We deserve to dream, to think, and to try to create that world, one day and act at a time. This is the work we should be doing as people who want better.
How to Stop Living By Unrealistic Expectations
- Consider the utility of the expectation in your life. Is this expectation something that can realistically exist in your life without being destructive, or at least a nuisance? Does it follow the path you’ve been going? If not, toss it out.
- Compare to your friends. Is this expectation something you would hold for your friends? Use the empathy you have for them to guide you. If you wouldn’t expect your friends to do something amidst the chaos you’re navigating, why should you?
- Consider the time you have. Is this something that’s going to take time away from something else you’d rather put toward your projects or other facets of your life? Leave it behind!
- Consider the origins. Is this an expectation that comes from someone or some framework that doesn’t account for modern constraints (trying to become a 50s housewife, for example)? Breathe, then let it go.
- Consider who benefits from you upholding this expectation. And I’m not just thinking about the most immediate sense. I’m thinking about the systems of oppression that set expectations. Part of fighting systems like white supremacy is realizing what expectations are codified into our society because of it, then ensuring we actively fight it, instead of merely passively denouncing it.
We deserve a world where care is valued deeply, and the expectations of how we not just survive, but thrive, aren’t rooted in the oppression of people who have been historically marginalized, like people of color, disabled people, and women and non-men. We deserve new frameworks for what we expect out of each other if we are to ensure a future that holds some sense of realism, acknowledging the growing role of tech and automation in our lives.